Well, I skipped April.
I had every intention of saying something in April. But again, life got ahead of me, and I got behind. There was so much that snuck up on me in April. I also think I spent a lot of the month wallowing in my own situation. I think I have been in a rut. A rut in everything. A rut in my work life, a rut in my surf life, a rut in my photography, and a rut in my personal life.
I am finding my way out of this dark hole and focusing on mindset. Lately, my mindset sucks. I am looking at everything with a terrible attitude. I have a suspicion I have been in a comfort zone for far too long, and my tolerance for discomfort has decreased. I don't know if any of you have surfed lately, but it has been big. I think last Saturday was the first day I paddled out and did not feel like I was going to die when I got to the outside. I finally felt comfortable, but it brought to my attention how I was not pushing myself into a better place. The weeks before that I was getting my ass handed to me by mother ocean. Every single fucking time over the last 2 months I paddled out I would get thrown around and tossed. I would leave with my head hanging down and have swallowed more ocean water than I had in years. I hadn't been held down to where my feet touched the ocean floor in years. I was unhappy, uncomfortable, and mad. Maybe its because I am older, maybe it's my period, maybe it's because I suck.
Then it dawned on me, I don't suck. I am growing. Growth is painful. As I get older, I don't like being uncomfortable, but it is part of the process. This process has popped into a lot of conversations I have been having lately. I thought at 46 growing was sort of done. I have been mistaken. We don't stop being uncomfortable. And this is part of my process. And I am determined to get my shit together and change my mindset.
What has also come to my attention in this rut of mine is that its all in my fucking head. Myself is holding me back. It sucks that I am holding myself back. I don't want to do that anymore.
Which brings me to Mother's Day. I love being a mom. I have wanted to be a mom since I was young. I made sure every relationship I was in as an adult would have potential for me to become a mom. That sounds pretty weird now that I put it out there into the universe. But fuck it, that is what I wanted, and my Mr. Right was the one who would do that. It turns out my Mr. Right was very much agreeable to kids and it worked out.
We love being parents to our girls. I wanted to be a mom more than anything else. I also realize how lucky I am to be a mom. I have no regrets. But everything comes with something. I think as moms we naturally loose ourselves for a little while. We loose touch with our passions, hobbies, our inner selves when we become moms. We put our needs on the back burner. I do not think it is intentional, and some ladies are better at prioritizing and setting boundaries to maintain their well being and selves. Maybe this doesn't resonate with all moms out there.
When I became a mom I was all in. I was completely absorbed the mom roll and intertwined it to all that I was. And, as I said before I have no regrets. I did not want to be anywhere else at the time. And those first years of parenthood require it. But, I lost track of everything I loved other than my kids and my husband. My world became much smaller. Not always in a bad way. But at that time, all there was to me was I was a mom, a wife, and my work. I missed all other aspects of my life. Photography was on the back burner. I no longer wanted clients. I referred all of them out. Surfing was something I used to do. It was all just on the back burner. I had no hobbies, no future goals, no aspirations. I just was a mom with her kids. The role of Mom defined all of me.
I don't think I re found myself until my second child started school and my day job became slightly more flexible. I found a renewed interest in photography. I started surfing again. It took a while, but I found a piece of my pre-mommy self. My core being. It has made me very happy to find her again. And I keep surprising myself. I have new desires and goals. I am a person outside of my children and my husband.
At first I felt guilty for taking time for me. Taking time to nurture what I want. Thank the Lord Above, I have an amazing partner in life who supports me. But, in the end it is me who needs to go do the things that fill my cup. Right now that is photography and surfing. I have a whole other post about both. I was going to try to combine some photography in here, but now I see this post has evolved. I will talk about my new favorite lens next post, and my surfing adventures in a future post.
Today, I want to tell all you Mothers out there. Take your time. Do things that make you happy. Entertain hobbies. Have girls nights. Make new friends. Try something new. Take time to yourself. Re-find yourself as the person you are and the person you strive to be. The kids will be okay. The mom guilt is real. But in the end, if your kids see you being you and happy. They will support you. Your partner should too. And if you are single momming it, find a mommy ally. Someone who will take your kids when you need it. Do a little bit at a time. Small things turn into big things. I constantly remind myself of this. It's part of the process. You will find yourself again. Or you will find a new version of yourself. Being a mother is a beautiful part of us, but not all of who we are. And that is okay.
Happy Mother's Day Oside!
