It has been a while since I have been here...
And in by here, I mean my website and this blog. It was October 2023 and I was in a good groove of blogging, updating the website, and my Instagram account. I even sat down to write about Fall festivities. I got distracted. I got up and did not return for 8 months. I can blame it all on all sorts of things. Working my day job, life, holidays, or whatever. 8 months got away from me.
At one point I told myself blogging is dead anyway. Who reads blogs these days? No one has even seen what I have written so far. No one will miss you here.
But I missed me. I missed the art of writing. I missed coming to this place that I could say what I wanted and expand on the thoughts I place on social media or other thoughts completely. I love writing. I have always loved it. Even though one of my professors in graduate school said I had no idea how to use the English language based on a paper I wrote; I love to write.
As we get older, more things occupy our time and life. I have gotten away from things I truly love and it makes me feel blank inside. I was my life roles and not who I am at my core. I have ignored the inner voice for a little while.
I think the advantage of entering my mid forties is I am finally starting to listen to this voice and hear it clearly for the first time. Don't get me wrong I am still juggling all the things, but I am changing the way I spend my time and working toward my loves little by little.
I am not perfect by any means. I do not resemble those Instagram families that wake up at 4 am to work out, home school, and manage to save the world on the daily. I am far from that. But, I have goals and ambitions. Some days my goals are pretty awesome like I think I will pursue a post masters, and others are I am going to skip the wine tonight and go to yoga. Sometimes I manage get in bed on time instead of binging a show or scrolling the internet mindlessly. None of it is instant, it is gradual. Some days all my ambitions are blown to shit because by 6 pm most nights I am exhausted from all the other things the day brings and I drink wine and eat chocolate. I want to be better everyday. I don't know if I will be able to do all the things I want to do and achieve.
But I am going to fucking try. I am going to try to do more things that I love. I am going to do more things that makes me happy. I want to try even if I meet setbacks along the way.
I want to surf more, even though two weeks ago I stepped on a stingray for the first time in 20 years. And let me tell you how one tolerates toxins from a stingray in their 20s vs. their 40s are two different things. Granted I stepped on him, while shuffling mind you, I know it was me who did the stepping and I accept that, but FUCK...It hurt pretty bad. Not as bad as childbirth, still bad. BUT I will return to the ocean and surf because I love it. I am going to keep taking pictures and be a local artist and maybe Oceanside famous one day. I just want to be Oceanside famous. I am going to keep working on that, even though everyone is a photographer. I believe there is room for me. I want to be present with my kids this Summer, though currently they want nothing to do with me. I am going to work on being healthier and maybe cut back on my not so good habits and coping mechanisms. I am going to try a new skill, maybe acoustic guitar or become fluent in a language so I can talk to more people. Then I look at this list and I get overwhelmed and tired. I tell myself a line from a poem I learned in high school, "Rest if you must, but don't you quit." And I continue to fucking try. I am not that awesome, but I try to be. So, I will continue to blog about whatever comes to mind. I hope you read it, maybe you don't. But, if you do, I promise I won't take 8 months to come back here. Because blogging is not dead to me.



