I should be thankful, but I find myself defeated.

I have noticed I keep living in this place where I compare everything I do and was to a woman I no longer am. I try to stay positive and keep pushing to improve; and lately I am finding is hard to stay positive. Do you ever have times in your life where good things are happening, but just as equally things are not going your way?

I have been trying for the last 5 years to get to a healthy weight range, but just can't seem to get the weight off. I track calories, I started weight training 3 times a week, I found a awesome group of lady surfers who have ignited my passion for surfing and I'm in the water 2-3 times per week. It's amazing. Things seem to be good.

I surfed this past weekend, I got a fat lip and hit my face on the board. I got left at the beach because my husband did not pick me up. I did not get a refund for my kid's competition because I did not respond to an email that was in the junk mail, and missed the website's fine print and found myself out $130. I started skateboarding again and on my first venture to try a transition I fell. Now I'm on crutches and can't walk and I am missing work. I am out of the water and have set myself back on my strength training progress. I was told my blood pressure is not great yesterday at Urgent Care. I find myself explaining why I don't surf as well as I once did. No one asks and no one cares, except me. I am ashamed that I am not the same surfer I was 15 years ago. I am ashamed I have gained 40 lbs and feel like I can't get it off. I feel like I am failing myself when I view myself this way.

But on the other side of this coin, I am extremely proud of myself for showing up. I show up 5 days a week before work to improve strength and flexibility. I have been consistent for the last 4 months and I have seen some improvements in my strength and balance, I feel my clothes fitting better, and overall I feel better. I went to a surf clinic to improve and grow in my surfing and have found my surfing tribe. I have found women and new friends that I did not know I needed. I have found encouragement and a place to grow in surfing. We are all ages and surf abilities and I finally feel like I have found women who share my love of surfing. I have rekindled my passion of surfing. Everything I am working towards feels so right. And the little voice says inside "Keep going."

This injury has set me back. I am trying to be positive, but I find that all I feel is defeat. I feel sad. I feel mad. I feel like this always happens. And I hear another voice. This voice says " hey fatty, you had no business on that skateboard, and you have fucked yourself now." I got to comfortable, things were going to well and BAM! Roadblock of life pops in. I tell myself all sorts of things, like it could be worse. And it can always be worse. My injury on the grand scheme of things is a mild setback. I just feel this has been building inside. of me for sometime. I have a goal inside of my head and a vision of myself I want to be. I am just not sure if I am being fair to myself.

While I have had some roadblocks, I am doing okay. I am comparing myself to a version of myself that is 15 years younger, 45 lbs lighter, is under less stress, and gets a whole lot more rest. I am comparing myself to a completely different person. I am holding myself back from evolving into a person who I could be. This person could be a more evolved person, but I am hanging on to a comparison of my formal self and not letting go to allow myself to rise. Rise from my ashes and become new again. I am taking the steps forward, but holding on to a version of myself that does not exist anymore. That woman is gone, not in a bad way. She has moved aside for me to be what I need to become. I am holding myself back from rising. Every time I stumble in my progression I feel like I failed. When in reality, I am not failing. I am moving forward. I learned long ago growth is painful. It is painful because you enter new territory. You may have to ask for help when you are not used to needing it. You may need coaching and instruction on a skill you may have been good at once. You may have to get settled into a body that may be just as strong, but maybe has a few more curves on it. You may have to shift your focus from vanity to health. You may have to slow down or step back to enjoy the world and people who are in front of you. You are vulnerable like a molting crab. Your shell is soft and you are exposed.

I do not want to be ashamed of who I am now because I am holding myself back. I am not sorry for who I am. But I need to let go of the version of myself I once was and focus on the me now. I need to work on improving the me now instead of comparing myself to a person I once was. I don't want to be ashamed because I do not fit a certain mold of a woman. I do not want to feel ashamed because I am not meeting a number on the scale. I do not want to feel ashamed because I tried something new and got hurt. I do not want to be scared of getting better and asking for help from another person who can help me. There are other people who want to help me be a better human or help men becomevbetter at things I love. I do not want to put down a body that has run marathons, been a Division I athlete, grown and birthed babies, can lift heavy weights, and paddle into a line up to name a few things.

I am thankful for every last feeling and emotion that I have been feeling. I am thankful that I will choose to rise. I will stop comparing my 45, almost 46 year old self to my 30 year old self. I keep doing it. It is holding me down. It is holding me back. It is self sabotage. I am tired of being afraid. I want to rise out of the ashes and progress. I want to stop apologizing for who I am today. I am ready for progression and joy. I have been comparing myself for too long. There is nothing wrong with where I am. Comparison is the thief of joy. I am ready to be thankful and happy. What are you thankful for? Holiday season is here! 2024 has flown by.